The Leech's Kiss

Getting Revenge on Parasites by Eating Them

What, are you nuts? You want to EAT parasites? The disgusting little creeps that burrow into your flesh, suck your blood, lay eggs in your brain, and generally make life miserable? That's sick, dude. Seriously messed up. You must be a few sandwiches short of a picnic to even consider such a thing. I mean, who in their right mind looks at a writhing, slimy leech and thinks "Mmmm, I bet that would be tasty fried in butter"? Not anyone I want to have lunch with, that's for sure...

But hey, if you insist, who am I to stop your parasite-munching madness? Just don't come crying to me when you're bent over the toilet puking your guts out and crapping worms. Bon appétit, weirdo!

IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: If you're crazy enough to actually attempt these recipes, for the love of God, cook your parasite prey thoroughly! Protective gear like gloves, goggles, and a respirator is also a must when handling these putrescent ingredients. Failure to heed proper precautions may result in a bad case of worms, or much, much worse. You've been warned!

Mosquitoes

• Set up an array of tiny mosquito traps made from inverted bottle caps filled with stagnant water and a drop of blood. So enticing!
• Collect hundreds of drowned mosquitoes from the traps. Strain out the buggy corpses and let dry.
• Steep the dried mosquitoes in boiling water for 5 minutes. Add a spoonful of honey to sweeten this macabre brew.
• Strain the mosquitoes, pour the "tea" into your fanciest fine china, and serve with crumpets. Pinkies up, darling!

Botflies

• Travel to the jungles of Central or South America. Let botflies lay their eggs under your skin. So itchy!
• Wait a couple months for the larvae to fatten up into big juicy grubs. Squeeze them out like pimples.
• Mash the botfly larvae into a nasty paste. Mix with potato, flour and egg to make a dough.
• Roll out the dough, cut it into little pillows, and boil until they float. Voila, botfly gnocchi! Serve with a nice pesto made from rainforest herbs and more larvae.

Tapeworms

• Ingest some tapeworm eggs. Let those baby worms hatch in your guts and gorge themselves on your nutrients for a few months. Fun!
• Induce a massive bowel movement with a cocktail of laxatives and antiparasitics. Collect resulting noodle-like tapeworms.
• Boil the tapeworms for 15 minutes - safety first! - then shock in ice water so they maintain that nice al dente texture.
• Toss your tapeworm "pasta" with garlic, olive oil, chili flakes, and lots of parmesan. Bellissimo! A dish to die for!

Brain-Eating Amoeba

• Find a suitable host for Naegleria fowleri - a pig or lab monkey will do nicely. Let it swim in warm, stagnant, contaminated water.
• Wait for the amoebas to crawl up the animal's nose and start munching on their delicious brain matter. Mmm, monkey brains!
• Once the poor creature starts showing signs of agonizing neurological distress, euthanize it (humanely, of course) and remove the infected brain.
• Chop up the brain and simmer it in broth until it falls apart into wispy strands. A dash of sriracha really makes the amoeba flavor pop!

WARNING: The revolting suggestions on this site are pure fiction intended for depraved entertainment purposes only. Seriously, DO NOT try any of this at home! Consuming random parasites (or parasite-infected creatures) can result in severe illness, organ failure, and death. See a doctor immediately if you suspect parasitic infection. The author disclaims all liability for any harm resulting from the outlandish ideas presented herein. THIS IS NOT REAL CULINARY OR MEDICAL ADVICE!

"The leech's kiss, the squid's embrace, the prurient ape's defiling touch and do you like the human race? No, not much." - Aldous Huxley