4chan as President: Day 69

BREAKING: Pepe the Frog declared national mascot | Congress in uproar over "tendies for all" bill | Stock market replaced by rare Pepe trading | New national anthem: Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Today's Presidential Decrees

1. Mandatory Catgirl Research Act

All scientific funding redirected to genetically engineering catgirls. NASA now stands for National Animegirl Science Administration.

Public reaction: Scientists baffled, weebs rejoice. Elon Musk volunteers as test subject.

2. The Great Meme War of 2023

Diplomatic relations now conducted exclusively through meme battles. UN Security Council replaced by Reddit karma leaderboard.

International response: China challenges US to a Photoshop battle, EU frantically googling "how to make dank memes".

3. Operation Tendies Stimulus

Federal Reserve replaced by a chicken tender-based economy. All citizens to receive weekly tendie rations.

Economic impact: Poultry stocks soar, Bitcoin crashes as traders switch to "GoodBoyPoints" cryptocurrency.

"I'm not locked in here with you... YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH MEME!"

4. The Waifu Protection Act

Body pillows now have legal personhood. Waifus can be claimed as dependents on tax returns.

Social impact: Dating apps in crisis, anime conventions now considered family reunions.

5. National "No U" Defense Strategy

All military operations now based on playground insult tactics. Pentagon replaced by a giant Uno reverse card.

Military response: Generals practicing sick burns, Navy SEALs now trained in advanced "your mom" jokes.

"In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my own intelligence." - 4chan, 46th President of the United States

Presidential Press Conference Highlights

Disclaimer: This is a satirical simulation. No actual 4chan users were elected to office in the making of this page. We hope.